I am retired. Ergo, I watch an unhealthy amount of
television. Television ad managers and advertisers, I address my request directly
to you. In the name of all that is holy, and in the interests of national
mental health, please stop airing the following televised affronts to intelligence,
taste, and heart.
TCM boasting about being “commercial free” when they are
continually hawking every TCM product except the molars of their four TCM
hosts. I miss the gentle charm of the late Robert
Osborne. (Note to programming department: If you broadcast “Casablanca” one
more time, I’ll scream!).
ASPCA, please, for my sake, and that of the animal kingdom,
take those trembling, shivering dogs out of the blizzard and put them someplace
safe and warm. (Note to director: Get the heartbreaking shot in the first take
so the poor creature can come inside).
The car commercial where Matthew McConaughey is supposed to
be oh, so cool is embarrassingly ridiculous. In it, the handsome actor doesn’t
even wait to see how his billiards shot turns out. Because he is so cool, he
knows it will be perfect. He saunters off into the vast, beautiful night,
pensive and alone in his expensive car. (Note to actor: Look up the definition
of “smirk”).
In a copy-cat car commercial by another automobile company, another
handsome actor drives into the vast, beautiful day, pensive and alone in his
expensive car. Because he is oh, so cool, he pauses to appreciate the flight of
birds. And what is with the voice from Mars narrator? The theme of both commercials is the same. Rugged, handsome, and independent
men – no women, pals, or puppies for these guys – only need their car and mommy
nature. (Note to creative department: The flight of birdies is lovely but it is
still a very silly ad).
These commercials are oh, so uncool!
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